Big changes have been instituted in the Northern Triangle of Central America: El Salvador, Honduras and Guatemala. One of Peace Corps major slogans is to “expect the unexpected.” Before and during the application process I remember reading this and thinking awesome, I’m ready. I was excited for the new adventure, knowing that I would be pushed out of my comfort zone on a daily basis.  Before coming to El Sal, I tried to prepare myself with expectations for the future “unexpected.”  I anticipated problems such as:   projects ending or changing rapidly, funding falling through, frustrations with counterparts, feelings of stagnation, isolation, loneliness, lack of productivity. All this said, with all of the current safety and security challenges I hadn’t prepared to expect these new fruitions of the “unexpected.”

2011 has marked one of the most violent years in El Salvador since the Civil War. It is currently rated as the most dangerous country in the world, according to the Geneva Declaration.  Most deaths are a result of the two prominent gangs here MS-13 and 18. The evolution of gang violence has continued to escalate and manifest itself in areas that formerly were considered out of reach. The spread from regional cities to the towns out to the country in the past two years is what has been most alarming and applicable to our service here. My main town Corinto, did not used to have as many issues but has recently seen a surge in violence: death threats delivered to the homes of teachers living there, gang graffiti, etc.

Responding to the upscale of violence in the Northern Triangle, Peace Corps Washington began sending out various changes to restructure the three countries. The current safety and security changes began in December when PC- Washington sent out an email stating they had made the decision to suspend new volunteer training groups until 2013. This began the month of ambiguity, one of the most mentally and emotionally draining times as of yet in my time here.

Here’s the changes that we know thus far:

All current volunteers have been offered an early COS or close of service. This is the first time they have offered this option in Peace Corps history. It includes all the same benefits as finishing ones service after two years, except for the monetary readjustment allowance which would be given on a pro-rated basis.

The two prior training groups ahead of us had they COS dates moved forward, one to February  COS in March to February and most recently, my sister group (that is a year ahead of me) whose formal COS date was in late September,  now will have to COS prior to April 30^th. This change really caught me off guard. I have a couple close friends in this group and even though it’s only 4 months, they are one of our biggest support systems.

For all current volunteers re-enrollment is also now on the table. Which means that we could COS, go back to the states and begin the 27 month commitment again in a new country. However, placement with this option is uncertain and there is limited say that we would have in where we could placed.  This is tempting for me. Prior to this option I was committed to wait it out, and in many ways still am…However, the opportunity to know and live in a new country, to begin a new adventure and to have more certainty in the health and status of the program are all things that I’m trying to process.

We just had an all volunteers conference with the staff from Peace Corps-Washington. While I loved the opportunity to see my friends and say good bye to some of the other volunteers…we were left many times with the same four word response to many of our questions: we do not know.

At the conference they greeted us with a presentation on how we got here…They stated El Salvador was extremely close to having the same changes be initiated as PC Honduras, suspending the country and sending volunteers home.

Why are we still waiting….Peace Corps Washington is going to conduct a country wide safety and security assessment starting on February 15^th and ending at some point in March. Until then, we won’t know details: who may face site changes, how they will re-cluster volunteers, what the new travel restrictions will be. Until March we wait…

My feelings.

I feel spent and exhausted. We have felt like we have been holding our breath until the conference, yet after arriving we are now to start anew another month and half of waiting and uncertainty…

I am very safe in my site.I love it here.  I am invested here: I have rock star youth in my school, friendships with the teachers, different families that cuidar (take care of) me.  I love waking up to fresh café, scouting out ripe mango trees, dancing with my host sister. Trust here, above all, I think is the initiate to lasting change. I feel like I am finally beginning to achieve this at my site. Two years is necessary for projects to develop here to leave early would be heart breaking and un-satisfying.

It’s not El Salvador or the violence that is breeding my anxiety, it’s the ambiguity of my future here in El Salvador for the next two years and the radical changes that Peace Corps Washington is instituting in country. I do not look forward to a future program that is being tested out or continually in a state of unknown.

I am left at night with dizzying questions: Will the country be shut down if violence continues to escalate? Violence has been continuing to escalate so at what point will they decide it has crossed the line? If I don’t decide relatively soon, will I have options to be re-placed in another country that befits my interest and skill set (the main window is between July and Septemeber), is this worth waiting it out for?  Will the capital forever be off limits? Will other departments and experiences become off limits as well? Will my best friends here leave, and if so do I want to stay without my support system?  Will Peace Corps continue to micro-manage each volunteer to the point it feels suffocating? What does the future look like? At what marker will PC-Washington decide it is all a wash and send us home? Will I be able to fully experience El Salvador as a country? Will we keep getting new emails with new changes and restrictions? And the biggest question: Will they just shut us down, and this process time, energy and emotion was all for not.

This process has been a painfully slow and ambiguous it has been a huge test and push on my patience and I am trying to remain flexible and optimistic.  One of the defining qualities of Peace Corps is the necessity to let go and adapt. Just because COS is an option right now, I want to weigh the decision carefully and not take it because it coincides with a trying time in our service.

I want to stay, I love my host family, my community, our Peace Corps El Salvador staff and I have made some life long best friends with other volunteers here. Whatever happens it will be an interesting experience and perspective.

I’d love to hear from you guys! I trust and value your thoughts and opinions. I hope to post soon with more updates.

My friend and fellow volunteer Elsa posted this quote that I thought was pertinent:

“I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” – Martha Washington

Be Well amigs!

-Tricia